Written by Rachel Allan, marketer, coach, author and mum.
13 February 2018
When was the last time you asked yourself “Who am I?” Really truly explored ‘you’. Your history, future dreams and how you show up in life today?
Everybody has a story, a journey they have travelled, learnings they have made, history. Very few people have led a ‘privileged life’, we all have stories of sadness, of absolute joy. Too many people have seen the extremes of violence and felt desperation. Seen the effects of illness on loved ones, and themselves. Suffered loss they never felt they could move on from. This is your story, your beliefs, possibly even your anchors, holding you in place, unable to move.
These experiences are what have shaped you to be the person you are today. They don’t have to define your future
When was the last time you dreamed of a better future for yourself? Do you wish for happiness, fulfilment, clarity, freedom, or balance? You are not alone – most people do. You can change your story – and you can start today!
The journey of self-discovery takes a lifetime. It takes a lifetime because you always change and grow. This is good, this is what you want to happen. What is holding you back from starting? Do any of these sound familiar:
Think about what scares you? Why does it scare you? How can you face the demon? What will motivate you to work through the bad stuff? What does fear look like to you?
Poor body image, lack of self-worth, lack of confidence, all come from lack of self-love. When was the last time you loved yourself? Wore jewellery or clothes which made you feel great. Exercised or had a massage to make your body feel great. Laughed, orgasmed – releasing the natural feel-good drug of oxytone.
When was the last time you celebrated being you?
Remove negative words from your language. Replace negative speak with positive affirmations. Remove people from your life you do not believe in you. Stand tall and back yourself. Be your own personal cheer squad.
When was the last time you dreamed of your future – and then plotted how you were going to make your dream a reality?
Stepping away from the noise and busyness of life, enjoying the silence, being in your mind, is important. In fact, meditation and mindfulness are key to self-discovery. Slowing your mind, allowing sub-conscious thoughts to filter through. Reduces stress, allows for problem solving and connects you with your mind and body.
Where do you start on your journey of self-discovery? How do you find out who you are?
Self-discovery is a journey of a life time. There is no easy fix, no magic pill or fairy dust. It is constant – as you evolve and grow, you will receive new insights about who you are. The more you understand about yourself the more empowered you are going to be.
A clear self-understanding will bring renewed confidence, awareness, and strength. You have a purpose. You find happiness, fulfilment, clarity, freedom, and balance in all areas of your life.
What difference can you make to the world, yourself, your family and community? How are you going to show up?
Love is Freedom
Love can feel like reaching great heights when you may feel like you could burst. These moments can blind you, getting caught up in someone else’s bright light, forgetting your own light. Then, there can also be great depths of love where your compassion can easily turn to deep sorrow, and without awareness, you can miss seeing all the beautiful, good things around you and within you.
Love will always be the most powerful emotion that we can all choose, anytime, anywhere and especially through any circumstance.
Yes, you have read correctly, in any circumstance.
You see love, pure, consistent, feel good love is all about how you receive and give it.
Finding my way to love, I found me, awesome, unique authentic me.
For a long time I let it be a struggle finding this place that is waiting within each of us. I let it be a fight, thinking that this was the only way to reach feeling good, having to wade through all the crap.
When I stopped fighting, struggling, finally I could see the ease and simplicity in the choice of love.
I started to receive love from everything, everyone and the most important person that I received love from was ME. Giving me the super power to give love anytime, anywhere. I removed every condition, every limit with one simple change….to choose love.
Once you begin to allow, to receive love all the time, every step and moment of your life, well you will see. There are no words that can ever bring true justice to explaining what this will bring to you.
So how do you do this?
First let me give you Love’s question….
How do I want to respond?
I know, you’ve read all the emotions questions now and may be thinking, can it truly be this simple.
YES, it is that simple.
Now to answer Love’s question for yourself….
How do you want to respond?
Before you answer that there is something else that I want to share. This came to me when I when I become receptive to love and understood that the secret to life is to feel good.
In all my research I kept reading and seeing lots of information about the 2 states of being – Love and Fear, or Love and Hate. My body gave me clear signs that this information did not sit well with me and I had to keep looking. You have read my blogs on all the base emotions so you’ll know by now how these emotions can have a positive effect of you.
Then one day, like a beautiful flash, I found the information in me. I realised that the two states of being are –
In the presence of Love
In the absence of Love
Every emotion has the ability to either be in the positive or negative, in the presence or absence of love.
Think about when you feel love is present, you feel good, even when others may feel different. If something feels good to you, you feel love.
That right there is the presence of love. So simple, so easy, so true.
Now go back to the question - How do you want to respond?
When you choose to respond with love, you will always feel good.
When you choose to allow your emotions to lead you in the presence of love you will find that…
Fear, will lead you to what is truly important to you.
Anger, will help you find clarity, understanding.
Sorrow, will help you allow the lessons and to let go of what you don’t need.
Shame, will help you make choices that always feel good to you.
Love is the centre to each of all the emotions, when you find your way to love, you will find your freedom.
When you choose to respond with love, you will create calm in all parts of your life and a complete clarity of mind. No one will be able to affect or disrupt your emotional state ever again.
Through each of my blogs I have shared the purpose and the question for each base emotions – Anger, Sorrow, Fear, Shame and Love.
You can now use them to your benefit, using the secret to life – to feel good. You now have the map to freedom.
What will you choose to do with it?
Thank you and please Remember always
Be You, Feel Good
Ema Borg - Unique Phoenix
5 – Shame the life changing emotion
This is one of the most powerful emotions aside from Love. Love will always have the greatest power in any moment and any part of life.
Shame however is still a very strong emotion. It can hold you in one place, or hide you from fully experiencing life. Shame is also an emotion that so many constantly avoid trying to feel, because it simply does not feel good in the negative side of it. Add to that you also live in a world that is desperately trying to accept and tolerate so you can be politically correct, which means that you can ignore the very emotion that can actually help you feel good in all parts of your life.
Shame is our moral compass, helps you make choices, decisions that feel right to you. However being in a world that focuses more on the outside, what things look like, means that many are always looking to shame others. This is also a simple instinct of shame to make themselves feel better, because if others are doing things to be shamed for then what they are doing must be ok. This becomes a continuous negative shame cycle.
You can break this cycle and use Shame for its purpose. Using it to your benefit without having to bring others down with you.
First let us look at some of the ways that shame can affect you whilst blaming another emotion. In the last blog about Fear I mentioned public speaking and the ‘fear’ actually being more related to another emotion.
That emotion is Shame.
Some parts of what you would feel when Public Speaking are absolutely fear, remember it helps you stay focused to what is important to you. The other parts are Shame. If public speaking is something you are not comfortable about then to take a moment to think about some of the thoughts that go on in your head.
Are they something like this…….
What will they think of me?
What would happen if I fell over?
They will laugh or think badly of me if forget my words or make a mistake?
Do I look ok?
Do I sound ok?
Am I making sense?
Take another look over the above questions? These are all shame related feelings. They are all based on what others think about you and the choices you have made around your clothes, words you are speaking, how you look or sound. None of them have anything to you do with you and how you feel about you, the confidence in your words, how you feel in your clothes. They are all focused of what others think, right?
You may be able to relate this to something else you have always blamed on fear. Have you got something that you now know is shame based and nothing to do with fear, or very little to do with it.
What have you let shame hide you from or hold you in?
Now you can turn it all around. Shame is beautiful emotion that consistently helps you makes choices that you feel good about. It is not about anyone else, only YOU. This is Shames sole purpose, for you to feel good.
Shames Question – Do I feel good about my choice?
When used to your benefit this emotion will have a massive impact on your life and the lives of those around you. The awareness and freedom it gives you is enormous. When you make a choices that feel good to you, it will create a lifetime of wonderful learning. When you make a choice through shame that feels good to you, it will stay with you well beyond the choice and you will always look to make those feel good choices. When you make a choice that may feel good or ok at the time but after does not feel good to you, it will stay with you in a negative space and will warp your view on you, your brain will create a story on how bad you are or even worse, not deserving of good things. Take small steps, focus on what feels good and you will turn this around. You must listen to your feelings and follow them.
So simple and easy, that it will continually have a positive impact in your life. Whether it is about your health, the food you choose to eat, the actions that you take, the words you choose to speak and most importantly how you want to feel.
The choice now for you is simple, feeling bad then change direction or feeling good then keep going!
Next and certainly not least is Love. The most power emotion, it does have highs and lows, however I will show you the constant state that is simple and easy to be in.
Thank you and please remember – BE YOU and FEEL GOOD,
4: Fear – Would the real Fear please stand up
Imagine a young girl, maybe about 6. She’s in her pyjamas, it is the middle of the night. Her Family is running down the stairs from there small apartment. She is holding nothing but air between her hands because there was no time to grab her doll or even shoes. Her mum and brother are running in front of her, she can only hear them in the dark. They are running to their neighbours’ home, to safety. Her mums’ boyfriend has come home drunk, again. He has hit her, again. This time her mum is trying to get away. The boyfriend must have passed out, as she made sure they all stayed whisper quiet. It is all a blur going into the house, it is late and no one really speaks. If they do the girl can’t hear it. All three of them lay in the neighbours’ spare bed, wide eyed, pretending to go to sleep. The girl is frightened as her mum holds her. Her brother is on the other side, very still, trying to be so brave. The girl can feel his fear too, as much as she can feel her own. Then a loud voice outside, it is her mums’ boyfriend yelling for them down the long driveway of the apartments. He calls each name and with each name comes a tear rolling down the girls face. The only words in her head are ‘please don’t find us’.
The neighbours kept them safe that night, but the little girl did not sleep and as they went back home the next morning after he had gone to work the young girls mind had already started thinking about what would happen when he got home that night.
That little girl is me. That feeling of fear has always remained clear to me. As I began researching emotions 5 years ago, this was clear in my mind and I started to understand that somewhere along the way fear had been given a very different meaning.
It was these memories that helped me truly understand why fear has a place and what its purpose is. I could clearly see that we feel fear for our benefit. It is not meant to be for a detriment as so many want and choose to believe.
Of course I felt fear in that moment, I was at age 6 running for my safety. He was a violent and frightening man when he was drunk. I can look back now and see how controlled, inauthentic he was when he was sober. The drinking just gave him permission to let go, numb the pain he felt inside and inflict it on others around him. I know now he was frightened of himself, and I only have the deepest compassion for him.
Fear helped us stay safe. When we all instinctively choose to follow fears lead, it always led us to safety. Fear always wanted us to survive. I say us because in those moments it was like we used our collective fear to help us as a whole, there was no individual intention. Those moments clearly showed me that fear is the same for all of us.
So what then is Fears purpose for good in your life?
Fears purpose is to keep you safe.
Fear only wants the best for you, to help you thrive and survive when you need to.
Fear helps you know, to your very core, how important something is to you.
Fear helps you focus and be present.
The beauty of this emotion is that you are grounded wonderfully in the moment you are in, not in the future or past, but completely in the present.
For me, now that I know its purpose and use it to its benefit, I can easily see the complicated misconception that has been built around it. Fear has seemed to get the blame for everything.
Public speaking and spiders are 2 of the most commonly known fears. Take a moment to think about each of them and ask yourself why you might feel fear for either of these things?
Look at public speaking. If you are not comfortable in front of people but the topic you are sharing is very important to you, then you would most definitely feel fear. Why? It is not because of being in front of people; that is a different emotion, it is because your natural instinct is asking you to be present and focus on how important this is to you. To deliver the information to the best of your ability, with authenticity. That is Fear, right there kicking in to help you.
Now look at spiders, if it is a deadly spider as we have in Australia, then you are right to feel fear and want to follow your instinct to move away from it. Right there is where fear wants to help you survive. That feeling of flight or fight is there for a reason. Not to ignore and push down, but to use to your benefit. To follow what fear is telling you or yelling depending on how quickly you need to act.
The two fears I mentioned used to be my biggest fears, but once I started using fear for its purpose then it changed. I can now talk in front of others with far more authenticity and confidence, and spiders I can even walk past, even be in the same room with. As long as I know they are not dangerous, like redbacks or whitetails, and even then I catch and release.
Now you know why you feel fear. I want you to transform all the things you once thought were negative and turn them into a positive, understanding that this feeling, fear, is truly for your benefit.
All you need to do is remember Fears question in those moments when you feel butterflies or want to run.
Fears Question - How important is this to me?
Watch how your life changes and you can experience all the gifts that fear gives.
I mentioned before that there was a different emotion that you experience with the example of public speaking. That is the next emotion I am going to share with you, Shame.
Stay with me as I lift the lid on this one and help you use Shame to help you, thrive and grow.
Thank you and please remember – BE YOU and FEEL GOOD,
Ema Borg - Unique Phoenix
3 – Sorrow’s learning, and letting go
In the last blog I worked through Anger and how you can use it to your benefit. Sharing how it is one of the most curious emotions, always seeking to understand.
The next emotion we look at is Sorrow. One that we all know and has always been the most acceptable of all the 5 base emotions – Anger, Sorrow, Fear, Shame and Love.
Myself, yes I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for my life. Sad for all the things that had happened to me and for a long time I didn’t realise how big an impact it was having on all parts of my life. When I was diagnosed with depression in my early 20’s I knew that I needed to change the way I did things. I wish I knew about the emotional code then, but then I had to go through all that I did to uncover it within me and be able to share it with you.
Sorrow is easy to recognise and for all of us to understand not only why you feel sad, but also why others can feel sad too.
When someone we love passes away, or leaves.
Life not looking like the picture in our minds.
When people treat you badly.
When you don’t get what you want
The list can go on, if you let it. For everyone, why you feel it, is so different. Each of us experiences sorrow is different ways to, who we choose to be in it and how we let it affect us.
How many of you try to cover up your sorrow?
How many feel like you simply can’t show it?
I learned in my childhood to hide real emotions, and there was simply no time for sadness. It was my experience that another disappointment was coming about the corner. I did not know how to learn through my emotions, I did not know you could.
You need to feel it, whatever the emotion is. In this case Sorrow. Giving yourself permission to feel sad when you need to is the very first step. It is important for you to feel sad, disappointed or a little lost sometimes. It is important for you to feel each emotion based on what you feel is right and not based on what everyone else is saying how you ‘should’ feel. I will get to sorrows purpose soon, and yes it does have purpose. For now let’s look at the difference between allowing yourself to truly feel the full force of sorrow when it comes up and living in a constant state of sorrow.
How long do you stay sad? Truly there is no right or wrong answer. Each experience is unique and requires different amounts of time, depths of sorrow. However what I will say on this is, it is not meant to be a constant emotion that you feel every moment of the day. My mum passed away 16 years ago and there are still times when I feel far more sorrow than I have before, but these are only moments and they pass. I choose to go with it rather than fight it, because when I fight it, I become blind to what it wants to show me. So if you find yourself feeling sad more often than any other emotion then that last part of this blog is going to help you get beyond it.
Like all the base emotions Sorrow has purpose to help you learn. After all, why are we designed to feel first and think second? Answer – emotions are there for us to listen to, learn from and grow through.
Sorrows has two questions – What is the lesson? & What do I need to let go of?
Sorrow helps you learn lessons and let go, that is the sole purpose of our base emotion sorrow. So simple right. When you use Sorrows for its purpose it will help you release what you don’t need any more and take the lessons with you from the loss and challenges that come up in your life.
Feeling sad is not the issue, the only problem is when you choose to hold onto your sorrow, to carry it with you all the time, to live in it. When you choose not to see the lesson or what you need to let go of you can be blinded and will always to look to blame others for why you are sad, every time.
Take the time now to think of something that you feel sad around. Perhaps a story that you have be telling and carrying for a long time. You'll know when you have the right story, your body will begin to feel heavy.
Now I want to you ask yourself sorrows questions.
What did you learn through this experience? What do you need to let go of?
There are always lessons, you may need to dig a little deeper to get out of your own way to see them. Letting go can feel really challenging at first because you have created the habit of holding on. Take the time to keep looking a little more to find the answers to sorrow questions if you can’t see them at first.
After you have answered the questions, there will be changes to how you feel about the story, how you now view it and mostly how you will tell it going forward.
What are the differences? What does the story look like now? What has changed with how you look at it?
Now that you know how to use sorrow to your benefit, being able to move through sorrow with purpose will always leave you feeling more confident and stronger than ever.
Next time you will be reading about FEAR, one of the most misunderstood emotions.
Thank you and please remember – BE YOU and FEEL GOOD,
Ema Borg - Unique Phoenix
Written by: Robert Rabbin
Most of us have a governor on our capacity for full authentic self-expression.
A governor is a device that “automatically regulates the supply of fuel, steam, or water to a machine, ensuring uniform motion or limiting speed.” The governor we have inside us automatically regulates the supply of shakti, life force, in order to limit our ability to speak truthfully, to disturb the Universe with our primal presence and cosmic roar. In Australia, this governing device is called tall poppy syndrome.
My first direct experience of this tall poppy notion came one morning in a workshop I was leading, shortly after I moved to Australia in 2005. I wondered aloud why a few of the participants danced so delicately around an issue they wanted to discuss. They did everything but speak plainly. I encouraged them to speak more boldly and directly.
In our subsequent conversation, they said they had learned to not be bold or direct. They said that it wasn’t right to speak out too loudly. They didn’t want to stick out, or stand above others. They told me about the tall poppy syndrome, which I’ve come to understand as a kind of cultural suppression of creative self-expression.
The tall poppy syndrome is a topic that showed up in every one of my workshops in Australia, over the course of almost six years. It is a fire-walk that many have to take in order to break the hold of this socialization, their learned reticence to stand up, stick out, and speak brilliantly, powerfully, passionately, authentically!
When I asked one of my Australian friends to give me her definition of the tall poppy syndrome, she said, “Let’s not get too high and mighty, let’s not get too carried away with ourselves. We don’t want anyone getting too full of their own talent or accomplishment. If they do, why we’ll just cut them down to size. We’ll have no tall poppies in our fields!”
Another said, “Australians are carrying a national consciousness of unworthiness, stemming from our roots as a convict colony. When one of us tries to move into the bigger world, to dream a bigger vision, we briefly project all of our personal unmet ambitions onto him. When it turns out he is human and experiences a moment of failure, or is in our eyes somehow not good enough or undeserving, we pull him down justifying our own choice not to have at least tried to expand our horizons. Just like the elephants tied to the chains who don’t realize they are bigger than the chains, we are recreating our convict history via our tall poppy syndrome, believing ourselves to be prisoners simultaneously worshiping, fearing, and resenting the ones who break free.”
And another friend talked about the “cultural cringe, a peculiarly Aussie malaise, a leveling attitude that seeks to keep people chained to mediocrity: in thinking and doing and dreaming big dreams — but most of all, in speaking. We’re just not supposed to speak up. That would be big-noting and arrogant. That’s for the Americans.”
What a tragedy! To own our innate right to express our voice and vision, to exercise our intrinsic right to fully express our own aliveness and beauty and genius and creativity and wildness as only we can, is not arrogant or self-centered, but natural.
I think of how natural it is for children throughout the world to exult in discovering their creative and expressive powers! Once we can make a sound, we start gurgling, humming, singing, crying, wailing — wow, look, we can make sounds! Once we can crawl, and then walk and skip, you can’t keep us penned in! And then, we can draw! We can create with color, with pencils, pens, crayons, paint — on everything!
And then, to the dismay of all grown-ups, we realize we can make music by banging with this on that! The poet Derek Walcott surely wrote this line for children, and anyone, in the throes of discovery: Feast on your life!
Expressing our self in uniquely creative ways is natural. It is the feast prepared for us at the moment we were created. And it is also natural to want to be appreciated and recognized for our creative expressions, for they represent our very essence of being! Look at the gleam and glow of any child as they rush to show a parent or teacher their picture — all excitement, joy, and pride!
The only — I repeat, the only — appropriate response is overwhelming appreciation and encouragement. If we in any way ignore, disparage, or dismiss their work, we do the same to them, we will have hurt and wounded, perhaps fatally, their self-image and self-esteem, their enthusiasm and joy, their confidence and courage.
Since I have always been interested in the transformative power and inspirational potential of public speaking, I began to extrapolate this tendency to underachieve.
If people were guarding against authentic self-expression and self-censoring heartfelt sentiments, if people were aiming for the lowest common denominator, if people were afraid to be vulnerable and transparent, to connect intimately with others… what happens to people’s soul? How would this cultural leveling mechanism restrict and repress a person’s urge to rise above mediocrity?
What happens when you begin to speak in unauthorized, powerful, poetic, passionate ways? What happens when your speaking sets you apart, because you are clear, confident, compelling? What happens when you begin to speak the unspeakable, which rocks the status quo, or which gives shape and texture to new possibilities, new freedoms, new solutions?
What happens when you speak dreams and visions from other levels of consciousness, from other dimensions of being? What happens if you question a public official’s rhetoric?… Hey, that’s enough!
Stop right there! Who do you think you are to say such things? You have gone far enough. Now be quiet, mister, or you are going to find yourself in a world of trouble.
In a Sydney workshop, one woman told of standing in front of her class, I guess she was about seven years old, to show her picture. Everyone had been told to draw snowflakes. This woman proudly showed a picture of multi-colored snowflakes, not a single one was white! How original! How imaginative! How colorful!
Oops, no. The teacher had apparently lost too many important brain cells. What happened was that the teacher raced forward, grabbed the picture, held it aloft and began almost screaming: “Look at this! Children, look at this! This is wrong! Snowflakes are white. Everyone knows that! Have you ever seen colored snowflakes? No! Now go back to your seat and do this over, and do it right.”
In the midst of this public shaming, this poor little girl just then and there decided for all time: I am not good enough. I can not draw. I am stupid. I will never again dream, imagine, or do anything different.
These self-limiting decisions in the face of life events are the beginning of what I call diminished capacity, which is the major, if not singular, cause underlying our inability to lead truly authentic, happy, creative lives of intimacy and originality.
Once we shut down and close off, we are cut off from the very life-force we need to be whole, to be powerful, to be passionate, to be productive, to be successful in whatever way we want.
The tall poppy syndrome, especially as it pertains to speaking, is not proprietary to Australia. It is universal. Every society and each culture has sought to regulate speaking with bribes and intimidation. The antidote? Confidence.
Confidence is a choice to accept, own, and fully use our intrinsic, inborn, factory-installed right to fully express ourselves in whatever way we want, any time, any place, no matter what. We all have to learn to speak our truth from the depths of our being, heart to heart and eye to eye. We all have to transform diminished capacity into ferocious and fearless speaking and truth-telling.
This is where and how we connect with our life-force, how we inspire ourselves to dream big dreams, to take on unimaginable projects, to bring forth fire, and to learn to love the Earth. This is how we fulfill the promise of our life, how we share our true heart, and seed the world with soul-seeds of beauty.
Written by Ema Borg Director of Unique Phoenix
In my first blog for this amazing project 1000 Ripple Effects I shared some of my story, the challenges I had in childhood and the feeling of disconnection it created.
Through these experiences I have continually sought out ways to not feel this way. What I discovered was that I would always have moments of feeling this way. So what I needed to do was figure out how to better deal with those times. I spent a few years researching emotions, mind set and I also took any kind of personal development that was offered. What I uncovered that was waiting within me was a simple way of looking at emotions. Taking the complications out meant that I could see the benefit of each of our base emotions.
I call it The Emotional Code. The 5 base emotions are Anger, Shame, Sorrow, Fear and Love.
Starting with Anger. For a long time I was angry, at myself, my family, teachers and well pretty much everyone.
Why was I so angry?
I was angry because I had been abused as a child and no one ever listened when I spoke about it.
I was angry because I did not feel as if I could trust anyone around me.
I was angry because I did not feel heard.
I was angry because I did not understand why this had happened, why anyone would hurt someone like that and why no one stopped it.
Right there in that last sentence is what Anger is all about. We get angry because there is lack of understanding, confusion, and a question that you can’t answer. Anger is one of my favourite emotions now, because it one of the most curious always providing an opportunity to learn about yourself and others.
Anger can come from what someone has said, or they have done. Sometimes you get angry at yourself. Not understanding why you have done or said something you feel is wrong, you can even get angry at yourself when you make a mistake.
Can you think about a time you felt angry?
Now I want you to ask yourself one question……Anger’s question - What Am I Not Understanding?
So simple, but effective. The next time feel angry, confused, frustrated or even wronged ask yourself that very simple question…
WHAT AM I NOT UNDERSTANDING?
When you ask yourself this question is does 2 things – first allows to pause before you react with an angry action and 2 helps you really find out what is underneath you feeling that way.
Of course you are not always going to understand why someone has done something that you don’t agree with, however taking a pause can get you back to a better space of clarity.
Anger is the most curious emotion, always wanting to learn. Asking angers question gives you the opportunity to become more aware.
With more awareness comes more choice and you always have a choice. You cannot control your emotions, but you can choose what action your take with them. It is not the emotion that has the greatest impact, but the action you take. Not only on those around you, but, most importantly on YOU.
Choice gives you the ability to feel empowered, raise your voice and be heard.
So the next time you feel that rising anger simply ask yourself – What am I not Understanding?
I love working with kids around this emotion, seeing the shift when they give themselves permission to feel angry but make a choice on how they react – now that is real awareness and gives them personal trust and power.
Next time I will be sharing Sorrow’s question, and how you can use this emotion to your benefit.
Thank you and remember….. BE YOU, FEEL GOOD – Ema xx
Ema Borg, Founding Director of Unique Phoenix.
Ema says "I Facilitate Change to Deeper Love. I specialise in Emotional Health and Relationship Communication."
I am a mum, wife, entrepreneur, friend, basketball coach, but most of all I am ME. The road to finding ME has certainly been challenging, however worth every step. Before I made the leap to became a facilitator 5 years ago I ran a successful direct sales business, and discovered the wonderful world of personal development and it was through this time that I uncovered my unique view and wisdom. This led me to begin my own business and embracing being out of my comfort zone each and every day. I choose everyday to make healthy and loving choices that support the feel good life I need, that we all need. Being a mum constantly challenges me to be the best I can be, as it my purpose as a mum to help my children be the best humans they can be.
My purpose in business and life is to serve others by supporting them to be authentically themselves and feel good for who they are. Working with Children 8 – 16, Women and Men Business owners, professionals and entrepreneurs, 25 – 45. To allow them to shine, be heard, communicate and lead through their emotions to always get what they need. I believe that every person is born wonderfully unique and each day can rise up choosing to live being the best they can be. Living completely with a heart driven perspective. Constantly uncovering there inbuilt strength and unique abilities. To teach tools that will support them to continually grow, learn, reinvent, rise up, raise their voice, seeking solutions through emotional intelligence, clear communication and independent free thinking. I embrace empowering others to find their own inner strength and the courage to fiercely find there centre to Self-Respect and Self-Love.
Many Thanks, I appreciate the opportunity.
Enjoy your beautiful day.
Be You, Feel Good,
Written by Ema Borg
Hi there, my Name is Ema and I wanted to take the time to introduce myself and the wonderful, sometimes not so wonderful, life I have lived that has led me to the work I do. Probably then, best I share what it is I do now, my passion, my work, and something I will be sharing in future articles. I Facilitate Deeper Love - Specialising in Emotional Health and Relationship Communication. What I will be sharing with you in the future is a unique Emotional Code I have developed to help simplify each base emotion - Fear, Anger, Sorrow, Shame and Love, so that you can use them to your benefit rather than detriment.
How did I find this wisdom in me? Let me share a small story, and snap shot of what my life was like as a kid to help show you how I came to uncover this wisdom within me.
Growing up like so many kids around me I wanted the perfect family. To be like all the other kids, ‘normal’. What is normal? Well to me as a kid it was having a mum and dad, friends, being active, being happy and feeling like everyone else. On the outside I had figured out how to cover it all, to look happy, to act like my mum and her boyfriend were that ‘normal’ family type and most of all to fit in with everyone else, not wanting at all to stand out.
Life was far from normal, my mum was being abused by her boyfriend. He had a drinking problem and would beat my mum. Sometimes we would be left in random places, far away, with mum having to figure out how to get us home, no money and sometimes no idea where we were. I can remember one time near Christmas, late at night he had left us, forgotten us, after an all drinking session with ‘new friends’. After walking for a couple of hours in the dark on an empty country road, way out of town, a stranger picked us up. What could mum do but to hope that this was a generous act and a safe choice that she was making. Thankfully it was. Once we were home there was a taxi in the driveway, thanking the kind stranger we all walked inside to hear the music blaring. My mum, brother and I found the boyfriend with the taxi driver, both completely drunk. He welcomed us and started pouring a drink for mum and asking me to come sit with him. For the first time that I could remember mum said “NO, it’s after midnight, she is going to bed”. Maybe he didn’t want to be embarrassed or found out, as this time he let me go to bed. The music continued, but as I was only 5, maybe 6 I fell right to sleep. Mum was quiet the next morning and I soon begun to learn that this meant she had ‘gotten in trouble’, much later in life I understood what this really meant. Mum had been beaten, and she always covered it up. Over the years of course we saw it more, but we were kids and felt completely powerless to stop it.
With all the abuse mum was experiencing she missed what was happening to me. I didn’t want to always be at home, the tension, the fear, and this was at a time when you could walk freely around the streets at aged 6 with a couple of mates feeling safe. Well, so everyone thought. It was during this time that my friends and I met a local man who had a menagerie of animals in his back yard, he lured young kids, gained trust and then abused them. This man was clever, looking back he had it down pat, knowing who to target and then how to get you to keep it ‘Our little secret’, because, ‘Everyone has a special friend like me’. This went on until I was 7 and thankfully we moved across town. At this time there was no internet, he had no way to find me. Sadly though he was not the last man to have access to abuse me. After we moved there was another man who quickly became our ‘family friend’ and began abusing me.
At around 9 my mum found the courage to leave her boyfriend and we moved far, far away. Now it was just Mum, my brother and I, with no boyfriends in sight. My mum moved to get away from the beatings and abuse she was experiencing, having no idea that this had saved me as well. The freedom I felt was, well there are no real words, but if you have ever felt trapped in secrets and lies then I know you understand the overwhelming joy that comes with thinking you can now live an open and honest life. However it was not really over, because of how I was groomed by both men the secret of stayed within me and festered away. What it did come out in was my behaviour. I became aggressive to my mum, manipulative and lying to cover up all stealing and bad choices I was making. I am a highly adaptive and intelligent person, so you can imagine how easy this was for me.
By 10 I had begun counselling which would continue into my 20’s. No one knew what had happened, everyone just assumed that I was a bad kid. As I mentioned before I had been groomed by men that knew exactly what they were doing. In my mind what had happened was not wrong, it was not bad, in fact I had been so manipulated and fully believed that everyone does it, it was natural, everyone had a secret friend and that the only bad thing I could do was telling anyone about it. I had been convinced that if I shared our ‘secret’, I would ruin all the special time we spent together and get into trouble for telling.
At age 11, Grade 6, I sat in a sexual education class. The first 2 lessons were uncomfortable, even a little embarrassing and sometimes funny. The 3rd lesson was like a huge weight had been dropped on me when they talked about inappropriate touching, and even now all I can’t remember any of the words, only one thought running through my head.
“What happened to me was bad, it does not happen to everyone. I am not special. I am dirty. I have been touched in the wrong way, I let this happen”.
I walked home that day feeling ashamed. I felt even more strongly that I could not tell anyone because they would think badly of me. So I continued the ‘I am ok’ outer world façade, but my inner voice was becoming even meaner, more negative and crying out to be truly seen.
Remember all I ever wanted to be was like everyone else, and now I felt even more different. My teenage years were filled with self-abuse, drugs, alcohol, more lying and manipulation. I was now a master at covering up how I felt, and by the time I was in my 20’s I had almost completely covered up any real emotion or reactions. My 30’s I began shedding the fake stories, found real authentic love with my now husband but still had to find real authentic self-love.
Why am I sharing this with you? The next article I will start with the first of five emotions, Anger. I will share I began to understand it’s purpose and then to show you how anyone can use it for their benefit.
I learned deep compassion, forgiveness of self and others. I got to know the very worst of me, which led me to see the very best. I can now say without any kind of hesitation that I love all sides of me, the very best and worst. To know that there is always a way to love, deep self-love. I want to give you the power of the knowledge that you can shine through all the crap, with hope, finding the light.
You see that is what I discovered. I uncovered my light, learned that I could choose hope and then I continually allowed my unique wisdom to surface each and every day. I know now that everyone is different and in fact this is the most beautiful part of each of us, the wonderful uniqueness.
It is in all of us, uniqueness that can only be found in YOU.
I am Enough Coaching
I witnessed a case of road rage the other day, I would like to share my experience of what I saw, the ripples as events unfolded and how each ripple lead to the next. Finally I would like to discuss how taking a moment to pause can stop the ripples and the escalation.
I was driving to work in my car, a car further down the road had pulled out of a junction in front of the car that I was following. As I saw this my immediate thought was, “wow, crazy man, he is cutting that fine” then the car in front of me slammed on its brakes so hard it actually skidded a little bit. This made me have to brake hard as well. My thoughts were; “that was close”.
What followed was crazy. This was the first ripple effect. The driver who was in front of me started blowing his horn, waving his hands at the driver in front and then he drove so close to him. Very dangerous and aggressive driving. As I said this was the first ripple effect that I witnessed, how this driver decided he had been wronged and that he was going to get his own back through his aggressive driving. I had to slow down, so that if they did hit each other and have an accident I wouldn’t be involved in it. A few times I was really worried they may hit each other and cause a big accident.
Then I witnessed the second ripple effect. Eventually both vehicles ended up at the bottom of a hill at a set of traffic lights. Still the horn blowing continued until one of the drivers got out of the car and approached the other vehicle and driver. Very quickly both drivers were outside their cars and were having a full on argument with plenty of swearing and pushing. This was the second ripple, the incident had escalated to another level, now instead of driving dangerously, and they were on the verge of having a fight. Why, because one driver had pulled out in front of the other person. I couldn’t believe I was watching these two grown men behaving like teenage boys in a school playground.
Next was the third ripple effect as the incident was just about to become worse for both of the men. Neither of them had noticed the Police car on the other side of the traffic lights that had been witnessing the whole event unfold. The Police car sounded its siren, turned on its lights and one of the officers stepped out of the Police car and indicated to the two men to get back in their cars and pull over to the side in a layby. Crazy, this was the third ripple I was witnessing. These two men were now in trouble with the Police and were getting pulled over and who knows what the outcome will be.
As I drove past, both cars were pulling over the Police car was pulling in behind them. I couldn’t help think that did this really need to happen? I fully understood how frustrating it was for the driver I was following who had to brake extremely hard. But that frustration, very quickly turned to anger, which then escalated to rage. Ultimately both drivers ended up having a chat with a couple of Policemen. If only the driver who was in front of me, had taken a moment to pause, to stop and think, to take a deep breath and think, “wow, that was close, but I am still alive” and had just been grateful for that fact, instead of flying off the handle and escalating the situation by driving aggressively and being aggressive toward the other driver things would have ended so much differently.
I never got to witness the fourth and then successive ripples, but I had no doubt that there would be other ripples. Both drivers, could have been given a fine, maybe charged with an offence, maybe incurred a fine and penalty points, which may have led to a suspension of their licence. Now if they needed to drive for a living, that loss of licence will have had a massive impact on them, and if they had a family, it would have rippled out through the family as well.
So let me take you back to the beginning of this series of ripples that I witnessed. I have to ask you a question, do you think any of these ripples would have happened if the first driver had not been in such a rush that he felt he had to pull out in front of the other car? Or, do you think any of this would have happened if the driver of the car that I was following, had not reacted the way he did to being pulled out on?
Do you think all of this could have been avoided if either of them had just taken a moment to pause and think about their actions and the consequences of those actions?
Do you think that this could have been stopped by either of them, by them actually controlling themselves in a better manner?
Can you see how the ripples just lead to the next level? How each level got wilder than the next? Then eventually how both of them ended up in trouble with the Police? Imagine for a moment, that one of them didn’t choose to react the way they did, the whole incident would have ended right there.
Now can you think of a time where you were so wrapped up in an event, that you got swept along in the momentum of that moment, without thinking, all of a sudden you have found yourself in trouble, with no real explanation for your actions, other than blaming someone else?
So the next time you find yourself getting caught up in something, remember to take the time to think, to press the pause button, to take a deep breath and say to yourself, where is this going to lead me? What is the outcome going to be? And, do I really need to be doing this? I am sure you will be able to quickly stop things from getting out of control once you do.
” You are Enough” to take control of yourself at any moment, do you have the courage to do it?
I am going to blog and document the journey of creating 1000 Ripple Effects across the world.