Written by Ema Borg
Hi there, my Name is Ema and I wanted to take the time to introduce myself and the wonderful, sometimes not so wonderful, life I have lived that has led me to the work I do. Probably then, best I share what it is I do now, my passion, my work, and something I will be sharing in future articles. I Facilitate Deeper Love - Specialising in Emotional Health and Relationship Communication. What I will be sharing with you in the future is a unique Emotional Code I have developed to help simplify each base emotion - Fear, Anger, Sorrow, Shame and Love, so that you can use them to your benefit rather than detriment.
How did I find this wisdom in me? Let me share a small story, and snap shot of what my life was like as a kid to help show you how I came to uncover this wisdom within me.
Growing up like so many kids around me I wanted the perfect family. To be like all the other kids, ‘normal’. What is normal? Well to me as a kid it was having a mum and dad, friends, being active, being happy and feeling like everyone else. On the outside I had figured out how to cover it all, to look happy, to act like my mum and her boyfriend were that ‘normal’ family type and most of all to fit in with everyone else, not wanting at all to stand out.
Life was far from normal, my mum was being abused by her boyfriend. He had a drinking problem and would beat my mum. Sometimes we would be left in random places, far away, with mum having to figure out how to get us home, no money and sometimes no idea where we were. I can remember one time near Christmas, late at night he had left us, forgotten us, after an all drinking session with ‘new friends’. After walking for a couple of hours in the dark on an empty country road, way out of town, a stranger picked us up. What could mum do but to hope that this was a generous act and a safe choice that she was making. Thankfully it was. Once we were home there was a taxi in the driveway, thanking the kind stranger we all walked inside to hear the music blaring. My mum, brother and I found the boyfriend with the taxi driver, both completely drunk. He welcomed us and started pouring a drink for mum and asking me to come sit with him. For the first time that I could remember mum said “NO, it’s after midnight, she is going to bed”. Maybe he didn’t want to be embarrassed or found out, as this time he let me go to bed. The music continued, but as I was only 5, maybe 6 I fell right to sleep. Mum was quiet the next morning and I soon begun to learn that this meant she had ‘gotten in trouble’, much later in life I understood what this really meant. Mum had been beaten, and she always covered it up. Over the years of course we saw it more, but we were kids and felt completely powerless to stop it.
With all the abuse mum was experiencing she missed what was happening to me. I didn’t want to always be at home, the tension, the fear, and this was at a time when you could walk freely around the streets at aged 6 with a couple of mates feeling safe. Well, so everyone thought. It was during this time that my friends and I met a local man who had a menagerie of animals in his back yard, he lured young kids, gained trust and then abused them. This man was clever, looking back he had it down pat, knowing who to target and then how to get you to keep it ‘Our little secret’, because, ‘Everyone has a special friend like me’. This went on until I was 7 and thankfully we moved across town. At this time there was no internet, he had no way to find me. Sadly though he was not the last man to have access to abuse me. After we moved there was another man who quickly became our ‘family friend’ and began abusing me.
At around 9 my mum found the courage to leave her boyfriend and we moved far, far away. Now it was just Mum, my brother and I, with no boyfriends in sight. My mum moved to get away from the beatings and abuse she was experiencing, having no idea that this had saved me as well. The freedom I felt was, well there are no real words, but if you have ever felt trapped in secrets and lies then I know you understand the overwhelming joy that comes with thinking you can now live an open and honest life. However it was not really over, because of how I was groomed by both men the secret of stayed within me and festered away. What it did come out in was my behaviour. I became aggressive to my mum, manipulative and lying to cover up all stealing and bad choices I was making. I am a highly adaptive and intelligent person, so you can imagine how easy this was for me.
By 10 I had begun counselling which would continue into my 20’s. No one knew what had happened, everyone just assumed that I was a bad kid. As I mentioned before I had been groomed by men that knew exactly what they were doing. In my mind what had happened was not wrong, it was not bad, in fact I had been so manipulated and fully believed that everyone does it, it was natural, everyone had a secret friend and that the only bad thing I could do was telling anyone about it. I had been convinced that if I shared our ‘secret’, I would ruin all the special time we spent together and get into trouble for telling.
At age 11, Grade 6, I sat in a sexual education class. The first 2 lessons were uncomfortable, even a little embarrassing and sometimes funny. The 3rd lesson was like a huge weight had been dropped on me when they talked about inappropriate touching, and even now all I can’t remember any of the words, only one thought running through my head.
“What happened to me was bad, it does not happen to everyone. I am not special. I am dirty. I have been touched in the wrong way, I let this happen”.
I walked home that day feeling ashamed. I felt even more strongly that I could not tell anyone because they would think badly of me. So I continued the ‘I am ok’ outer world façade, but my inner voice was becoming even meaner, more negative and crying out to be truly seen.
Remember all I ever wanted to be was like everyone else, and now I felt even more different. My teenage years were filled with self-abuse, drugs, alcohol, more lying and manipulation. I was now a master at covering up how I felt, and by the time I was in my 20’s I had almost completely covered up any real emotion or reactions. My 30’s I began shedding the fake stories, found real authentic love with my now husband but still had to find real authentic self-love.
Why am I sharing this with you? The next article I will start with the first of five emotions, Anger. I will share I began to understand it’s purpose and then to show you how anyone can use it for their benefit.
I learned deep compassion, forgiveness of self and others. I got to know the very worst of me, which led me to see the very best. I can now say without any kind of hesitation that I love all sides of me, the very best and worst. To know that there is always a way to love, deep self-love. I want to give you the power of the knowledge that you can shine through all the crap, with hope, finding the light.
You see that is what I discovered. I uncovered my light, learned that I could choose hope and then I continually allowed my unique wisdom to surface each and every day. I know now that everyone is different and in fact this is the most beautiful part of each of us, the wonderful uniqueness.
It is in all of us, uniqueness that can only be found in YOU.